You see, I think I have a pretty bad case of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I already have problems getting through January and February, and this year might prove to be the hardest.
I really miss China. This is strange, because I've gone back four times, and I'm always very happy to come back to America. I'm happy to sleep on a spring mattress instead of a wooden one. I'm happy to be able to read signs in English and eat greasy food and be with my friends. I don't know what has made this time different.
But it's gotten bad. Sometimes, I wake up in the morning, and I can't even find the motivation to get out of bed, to say nothing of writing. I can't even find the motivation to move. It scares me. I hate being in my room because the pale, watery light from the windows makes me depressed. Lonely. It's not like I'm holing myself up or anything. I'm around people who make me laugh and make me happy all the time. All day, because I don't like being by myself. But the minute I'm sitting on my bed, it's like a sinking into a hole again. And I don't know how I'm supposed to explain this (except in writing) because it sounds stupid, doesn't it? I feel fine when I'm not by myself.
I dream about home. Not home, here, but home across the ocean. It may be a combination of my grandpa passing away (and finally seeing his ashes) and my maternal grandma undergoing chemo for her cancer. I miss them. I'm afraid of what changes might happen again by the next time I go back, which can only be a year at the soonest. I was the only grandchild my grandpa didn't get to see on his deathbed. I didn't cry when he died. I didn't cry until my grandma told me he asked for me before he died. By that time, he was delirious. He asked for me, but I wasn't there.
I think, maybe, that it didn't register until now, a delayed reaction kind of thing. And now, I just feel so very far away from home. I don't want to be here.
I know this post is all disjointed, but I needed to write it just to hash out some stuff in my head. I can't concentrate on anything right now. At some points, I can't even decide what I'm really sad about, because it's all clumped into one big ball of confusion. I wish I could write to take my mind off things. But I just can't be by myself for any length of time.
Hopefully, the sun comes out soon.