Sunday, January 24, 2010


Since coming back to America, I haven't seen a sunny day yet. It's been foggy or rainy every single day in Central Illinois. I'm starting to wonder if the sun is ever going to come out. 

You see, I think I have a pretty bad case of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I already have problems getting through January and February, and this year might prove to be the hardest.

I really miss China. This is strange, because I've gone back four times, and I'm always very happy to come back to America. I'm happy to sleep on a spring mattress instead of a wooden one. I'm happy to be able to read signs in English and eat greasy food and be with my friends. I don't know what has made this time different.

But it's gotten bad. Sometimes, I wake up in the morning, and I can't even find the motivation to get out of bed, to say nothing of writing. I can't even find the motivation to move. It scares me. I hate being in my room because the pale, watery light from the windows makes me depressed. Lonely. It's not like I'm holing myself up or anything. I'm around people who make me laugh and make me happy all the time. All day, because I don't like being by myself. But the minute I'm sitting on my bed, it's like a sinking into a hole again. And I don't know how I'm supposed to explain this (except in writing) because it sounds stupid, doesn't it? I feel fine when I'm not by myself.

I dream about home. Not home, here, but home across the ocean. It may be a combination of my grandpa passing away (and finally seeing his ashes) and my maternal grandma undergoing chemo for her cancer. I miss them. I'm afraid of what changes might happen again by the next time I go back, which can only be a year at the soonest. I was the only grandchild my grandpa didn't get to see on his deathbed. I didn't cry when he died. I didn't cry until my grandma told me he asked for me before he died. By that time, he was delirious. He asked for me, but I wasn't there.

I think, maybe, that it didn't register until now, a delayed reaction kind of thing. And now, I just feel so very far away from home. I don't want to be here.

I know this post is all disjointed, but I needed to write it just to hash out some stuff in my head. I can't concentrate on anything right now. At some points, I can't even decide what I'm really sad about, because it's all clumped into one big ball of confusion. I wish I could write to take my mind off things. But I just can't be by myself for any length of time.

Hopefully, the sun comes out soon.


  1. I'm sorry for the things you're going through, and I hope you get to feeling better soon.

  2. Hugs. Take everything one step at a time. Here is good place to ramble.

  3. I'm very sorry for how you're feeling. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to feel ties to a place so far away, with bits of your family living there and you here. The only thing I can tell you is that you are a bit of sunshine yourself - in your writing, in your posts. Just hang on, laugh as much as you can, and eventually your own "sun" will find its way out from behind the clouds.

  4. I hear ya, honey, I used to live in the northern-most reaches of Upstate New York. Is it too late for you to transfer to a school in New Orleans for fall? That's how I cured my SAD. ;)

    Hope you feel better soon.

  5. Sorry to hear you're feeling down. It's hard being away from family, especially when you know they're going through their own tough times. Don't dwell on things too much, and I'm sure your family knows how much you think of them and feel for them.

    I'm also sorry about your weather. I wish I could send you some sunshine. I hope the rain clears soon.

  6. You have two things on your side that will get you through this. Time. As it passes your grief will ease. And the sun. Every day will be a little brighter, a little longer. So hang in there!

  7. The thing about grandpa: exactly the same with me. :( exactly.