1. If you are short like me (5'1", Sarah, so I think I win in the self-pity department), you can use it as a cushion to prop you up when you drive so you can see over your steering wheel and not get pulled over by a cop for looking like you're a 9-year-old who ganked a car.
2. Doorstop. Obvious. Breaking Dawn works really well for this function.
3. You look smarter reading one. The thicker the better.
4. Reason to go to the bookstore and check out cute boys, HELLO.
5. Bookshelf filler. What are you going to put in your bookshelves without paper books? Think about how lame it would be if in Beauty and the Beast, instead of giving Belle a massive library (which is like, every girl's dream), Beast handed her a Kindle with 1500 titles. Totally not as impressive or swoon-worthy.
6. Real books don't run out of batteries.
7. You can attempt to read real books while taking a bath (yes I have done this, and also considered laminating books so I could read them in the shower; don't lie, you have definitely thought about it at least once), while I don't really think you'd want to attempt taking an electronic device in the bathtub with you.
8. If you are stranded on a desert island, you can use it as a pillow. Or eat it. I bet it's more nourishing than a plastic e-reader. Paper has fiber, right?
9. If a thief breaks into your house, you can beat him senseless with it (hardcover preferred). I bet you can't do that with a Kindle!
10. You can burn them if you're really mad at something. Or throw them. Or rip them up! The therapeudic uses are ENDLESS.
I want the Shamwow guy to make a commercial of this.
Bonus: Real books smell better. Fact. Don't even try to dispute this.