Monday, December 16, 2013

Reminder To Myself

Still in the middle of finals! One more (which is a two-parter) left.

But I am determined to finish this novel. The more I kind of sit on it, the more uninspired and unhappy I am with it, but I think with my lengthy novel music playlist and a fresh month, I'll be able to get through the home stretch (I am about 10k from the end).

I will finish in January. I still intend on writing every day until I get it done. I know I will feel very good when I write those last pages.

And then? And then I will edit and really shop this one out. I only sent the last novel out to about 6-10 agents, and the two novels before those I never queried. So this one, I think it's time to take the leap and FEEL THE REJECTION. It's important to at least try for me.

Evaluation on my mood: my resolution over Thanksgiving has surprisingly done real wonders for me. I struggled a lot with being unhappy in law school (unrelated to academics; I like the material and my career path in general), and if you ask around, I'm sure you'll find it a common occurrence. People write articles about depressed law students; we have a real problem. I, for one, never really had problems with my mood prior to law school; I was a cheerful person. But I think for a lot of social reasons, rather than chemical ones, I let myself sink into an unhealthy place.* I decided to take ownership of my pessimism and general despair, mainly by earnestly counting my blessings and refusing to take everything (like my future) and what everyone thought of me so seriously all the time. I don't know why this time it worked when previous times it didn't. But I have been in a really good place for several weeks now, which just feels amazing, because I can't remember the last time I've been upbeat for such a consistent stretch for the past year or so. These days, I am genuinely happy, and it's GREAT.

I hope I can keep it up. And it has helped that when I have something bad happen, instead of letting it ruin my entire day, I let myself feel sad for a few hours and then I close it up and move past it. And I don't let an off day snowball into a massive sinkhole of depression. I think of it kind of like dieting; if you screw up for a day, you don't just stop the diet, you start fresh the next day. I don't know, I think because of my environment, I just put too much pressure on myself, personally and professionally, and that was not good.

After all, in the big scheme of things, this is a short life, right. Even if I were to drop out of school tomorrow and never be a lawyer, so what? Life would go on. Life always goes on.

*Just want to emphasize, in case anyone is reading and gets the wrong impression: depression is a disease that requires medical treatment. I do not have clinical depression, because I would not be able to fix it with ~thoughts~. I just get down a lot, and that's very different. Whereas my mood is frequently my fault, due to a poor outlook and attitude, some people's moods are because something is going awry in their brains. Also, some people in law school genuinely get clinical depression, and there is an ongoing debate as to whether law school is a trigger for people who are predisposed to it.

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