Funny Things My Mom Says

This is a triple whammy post. Firstly, because May is Asian-American Heritage Month, and my mom is Chinese. Secondly, because it's almost my mom's birthday. And thirdly, because it is also almost Mother's Day. Conveniently, this year, my mom's birthday and Mother's Day fall on the same day - May 9. So this post is for all of you non-Asians who have truly missed out on the hilarities of life - because your mom probably isn't as inadvertently funny as mine (probably also isn't as controlling, but eh, it's a give-and-take situation).

My mom likes to add random extra endings to words.

1) Instead of saying "olives," she says "olivers." No matter how many times I correct her, I cannot disabuse her of this pronunciation. I've stopped trying. Her English is what it is.

2) Instead of saying "Harry Potter," she says "Harry Pottery." 

Or she just distorts words beyond recognition:

3) She says "War-Mart" instead of "Wal-Mart."

4) Ever since I was little, she used to tell me I was going to go to Harvard. (That turned out well, as you can see.) Except she pronounced it "Hah-Full." So until I went to high school, I thought that was how the number one university in our country was pronounced. Hah-Full.

My mom is really bad at being racially sensitive. Sorry for being offensive, in advance.

5) "I think Obama is good-looking. But I think it's because he looks like his white grandpa, except he's black." ---Errrr, okay.

6) Sometimes, my family watches Family Guy together, minus my mom, because she doesn't get it. Once, she walked into the room, saw Cleveland (the black character) on TV, pointed and said, "Is that supposed to be Obama?" ---No, Mom. Not everyone who is black on TV is Obama. And yes, she was serious.

And my favorite thing of all:

7) Once, when my mom and I got in a fight, I started rolling my eyes at her and apparently being disrespectful* and she yelled back at me, "Stop using your stupid American sarcasm! I don't understand it! I'm Chinese!"

Love you, Mom, even if you can't understand British accents. Even if you don't "get" dishwashers and have to rinse out cups in hot tea at restaurants and even if you don't like modern medicine and believe that peanut butter and cucumbers in combination causes cancer. Even if you call me to ask me to creep on Facebook for you and have everyone in the community's ACT score memorized. Even if you ask me to help you fill out employee performance reports. Even if you yell into phones like that is effective if you are talking to someone far away. I still wouldn't have it any other way.

Picture from 2002 at Niagara Falls. My brother and I look really thrilled. Because we are Asian, we have to document every life experience ever. Hence, the camera around my mom's neck and the camcorder around my dad's. This, thankfully, was before I got braces and decided to grow my hair out to inhuman lengths. 

*That is so debatable. WHEN AM I EVER DISRESPECTFUL, COME ON.